Last modified: 2012-06-29 (finished). Epistemic state: log.

Half of The Christ-Myth Theory And Its Problems done, writing down a short review. Liking it so far, even though technically, it’s nothing I didn’t know already. Good all-in-one-book book, though.

The last 3 days or so, I noticed two things in my emotional state.

  1. The cycle started over again.

    I’ve just gone through Dissolution and Fear, now Disgust. However, this time around, I seem to have a choice. I can engage the depressed state of mind, or just let it go. It’s not entangled anymore, just yet another thing that happens, like the weather.

    For some reason, I don’t care anymore, and I can’t quite pin down why that is, that is, if I’m just more experienced and finally mastered the necessary detachment, or some other thing. But I just note the old signs as they appear, “muscle tension”, “change in color tone of visual perception”, “Dissolution”, “suicidality”. Like bird-watching. It will pass, I won’t be moved by it, I drink another beer.

    Happy and harmless, as the AF folks would say.

    I’m not sure I like happy and harmless.

  2. I feel like everyone I looked up to is a lot less formidable than I thought.

    I am constantly feeling disappointed these days. Every idea I engage, every person I get to know, is a lot less skilled and insightful than I previously thought.

    And I don’t exactly blame them, but rather, I slowly learn that my knows-their-shit radar is completely miscalibrated, and that I’ve been far too eager to think that there was more to what others said than they let on, and I should learn more from them.

    I’ve downgraded my opinions of others so much the last few weeks, I’m not sure I have any role models left, not even abstract or fictitious ones.

    I feel completely alone, abandoned and stupid.

    I like this a lot better.

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