Last modified: 2012-03-26 (finished). Epistemic state: log.

So, the map. Here’s a picture:

serious man

Just kidding. (That’s from A Serious Man. Watch it.)

So I tried to get into jhana to get rid of all the anxiety in my head. Did my first meditation in my new Aeron chair. Pretty nice, but my back isn’t at all used to holding itself up from years of comfy chairs (just say no), but as my muscles get stronger, I expect to love it. (9th precept? Never heard of it!)

10min jhana failed to establish anything. My head isn’t free, all entangled. I tried 5min shikantaza, but still only drift. Only the all-encompassing Dukkha Core.

(I do have several drafts about this, and old attempts to approach it, and (maybe, in the archive) even the writing from the time I created the Dukkha Core, but this dlog is not about ideas, only practice. Eventually I will write this up, and I can then point to this entry here as the day I destroyed the Dukkha Core. Until then, it may unfortunately be hard to follow what I’m doing.)

I need a larger caliber, something I haven’t done in years. It’s very dangerous and utterly uncontrollable, but I need drastic measures. Anything else will just repeat the pattern I’m currently going through, week after week, month after month.

Time to return to the Tao.

Keeping the backstory short, I deliberately removed myself from the Tao a few years ago, thinking it sinful. I have tried to return multiple times, but never could as long as I still rejected it. Yesterday (prompted by a friend), I took my meta-morality approach and actually applied it, looked at its implications, expecting it to tell me that the world is inherently and unfixably screwed. I’ve been living under this assumption after all, and considered it the main reason for my suicidality.

To my complete surprise, the approach fixed everything. I mean everything. The anxiety is gone. The world is not wrong. God is not evil. The Problem of Evil is either necessary, or has a truly ingenious solution that I’m not sure even God can pull off (and it would make Him a fantastic troll, and would probably allow you to exploit anthropic information to counter-troll God), but regardless, bringing about the Problem of Evil is not itself evil. Modal realism does not imply a broken multiverse. Meta-morality is sufficiently grounded and doesn’t suffer from a regress problem. (At least not in a form I care about.) Moral nihilism is false. (In a very interesting way.) One True Morality exists. (In an even more interesting way. There might be multiple One True Moralities though. (It makes sense in context.)) Worrying about an unsupervised) world is asking a wrong question; supervision has no effect on goodness.

(These are just the conclusions. Will write about the actual arguments hopefully soon, though I’m unsure I actually should because I fear there might be a moral basilisk around.)

Absolutely nothing has prepared me for this situation. I seriously thought it would remain inherently broken forever, and the meta argument would simply give another, even harder to refute reason why. Instead, I now have no Existential Dread anymore. I tried very hard and thought about what possible issues with the multiverse I might still have, but I could find no fault in it. The only remaining of my metaphysical issues is what I now call the “I want a pony!” attack, and that has lost most of its bite. Therefore, I’m alright with the world.

What. The. Fuck.

(Also, I fixed several bugs and went for a run. Good day.)

Well, I really do seem to have forgiven the Tao. I have no grudges left. I’m going to listen to the rest of Sam Harris’ talk about free will (and rage endlessly how silly it is), then do Tao meditation, invoking the inherent goodness of what-is, letting Fate take over and solve all my planning problems again. (Will describe technique next log.) Magic, do as you will!

(Then I’m probably going to finish the Latin tool and do more work. Impossible problem solved. Whatever.)

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